Lessons Learned
by Devi and Tess
Summary: Trowa hurts Quatre...how will he feel when Quatre is gone?
1. Default Chapter

Lessons Learned

Part 1

By: Star Kindler

Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing, never have, never will. Don't have any money either, suing would be a waste of your time.

Author's Note: This takes place sometime after GW. The guys are living in a safe house after Quatre's supposed death and Trowa is on the brink of suicide.

WARNING: THIS IS A YAOI FANFIC. 

***

The audience cheered as the elephant successfully balanced on a large, green rubber ball. Trowa watched silently from his spot behind the curtain. It was almost his turn to go and perform, and didn't think he could. In fact, to Catherine, he had seemed distant all day. She was very worried about him. He had lost all sense of life when the tragedy struck. She decided to make sure he was okay.

"Trowa, are you ready to go on?"

He just looked at her out of the corner of his one visible eye and crossed his arms across his chest. He shook a little. Catherine understood.

"Trowa, you can't continue blaming yourself and you can't let it affect your performance. The children in the audience are counting on you. Your the clown. Try to act a little happy-"

"How?!" he said with an angry voice.

She was shocked by his tone. "What?"

Trowa sighed. "Look, _how_ can I go out there in the shape I'm in? Millions of thoughts are bombarding my brain. I used him and never told him how I feel. So how do you expect me to smile? Hell, I can't even see straight!"

"Trowa, please."

"I took his love for granted. I thought I could never show my real feelings, emotionally. God, I wish I did! And now..." he began gasping for breath. "now h-he's gone, and it's all my fault!"

Tears stung his eyes as he turned and ran.

"Trowa! Come back!" Catherine called after him.

He didn't look back, though. He continued running, past the circus tent and into the dark woods. The tears blinded him and he didn't see the large root sticking out of the soil. He tripped and fell face down on the ground. He picked himself up and sat on his knees and began rocking back and forth, sobbing loudly. After a few minutes, he stood up and began the journey home.

***

-- the safe house, the next day--

"Duo! Omae o korosu!" Heero yelled and pulled out his gun.

"Whoa... Heero! Sorry!" He began backing up slowly. "Heh heh... I didn't mean to erase your files." His smile faded. "Damnit! I'm glad I did. I wish I broke that whole damn laptop. You pay more attention to it than you do me!"

Heero fired a shot, barely missing Duo's head. Duo ran out of their room and slammed the door. He stormed down the hall and plopped down on the couch in the living room next to Wufei, who was reading a book.

"Bothering Yuy again?" he asked.

"Humph. No. I just erased the files on the computer because he wasn't paying any attention to me."

"Baka." Wufei mumbled.

Duo sighed and reached for the TV remote. As he was about to turn on the TV, the phone rang.

He picked up the receiver. "Hello?"

"Duo, is that you?"

"Yup, whose this?"

"It's Catherine. I was calling to find out if Trowa was doing any better."

"Huh? Trowa isn't here. He's supposed to be at the circus with you."

"He was. But he got very upset, and suddenly ran away. I was hoping I would find him at home."

"Well, he's not here. Do you think he's alright?" Duo asked, getting a little worried.

"Oh, I hope so. Please have him call me when you see him, okay?"

"Uh...yeah sure, bye"

Duo slowly put the receiver down.

"What's the matter?" Wufei asked.

"That was Catherine. She said Trowa ran away from the circus and thought he was here."

"Guess he's grieving over Quatre." Wufei said.

"Probably..." He said thoughtfully. "I'll go tell Heero."

"Your going to confront Heero- after you erased stuff off his laptop?"

"Hmmmm....good point. I think I'll wait. Man, I hope Trowa is okay."

"Don't worry. I'm sure he's fine. He's probably just trying to clear his head."

"Maybe..." Duo turned on the TV.

Outside, Trowa was slowly approaching the house. He just wanted to get in, take a shower and go to bed. He didn't want to talk to any of the other guys. He reached the door, pulled it open and stepped in the house. Duo heard Trowa come in and ran to the door. 

"Trowa! Your okay!" he gave him a hug. "Catherine called and wants you to call her back."

Trowa pushed him away. "Duo, leave me alone. I just want to be by myself. Is that too much to ask?" 

"Fine. Excuse me if I care. I'm just happy your okay" Duo said, pouting. It seemed everyone was mad at him that day.

Trowa brushed past him and entered the bathroom down the hall. He stripped off all of his clothes, ready for a long, hot shower. He pulled the glass door open and stepped in. He turned the shower faucet on and made sure the water was steaming hot. He sighed as the water streamed down his body. He tried to focus on how good it felt, and keep his mind off Quatre, but it wasn't working. He washed up, turned the water off and got out. He didn't bother drying off, but wrapped a towel around his waist. He looked in the mirror hanging above the sink. He hated what he saw.

"I hate you." he told the reflection. "It's all your fault the only person you ever really cared about is dead. You didn't even realize you loved him until it was too late." His face cringed at the agonizing pain he felt inside of him and he dropped to his knees. He cried more than he had done before.

***

--an hour later--

Heero finally emerged from the room he shared with Duo. He had given up on trying to recover all the files that braided baka had somehow deleted. It amused him that Duo was capable of doing that with just one click of a button. He couldn't figure out how he did it either, but decided it was something not even the perfect soldier could comprehend. Now he wanted to take a shower. He tried opening the door, but it was locked.

"Damnit, Duo," he banged on the door "I know your in there. Get out."

Duo crept up behind him and tapped him on the shoulder.

"No, Hee-chan, I'm right here. Trowa is in there." he said

"Trowa, is supposed to be at the circus. What's he doing home?"

"He got upset and left. He's been there in over an hour. Better make sure he's alright."

"Hn..." He pulled out one of his ever present guns and aimed it at the doorknob, just as the door opened. Trowa, clad only in a towel, stepped out. His eyes were red and puffy from crying.

"Sorry, Heero." he muttered

Heero looked at him, shrugged and went into the bathroom.

"Trowa," Duo stopped him from walking off. "Quatre is gone. It has hit us all hard. We all cared about him, but you have to get on with your life just-"

"You don't fucking understand!" Trowa shouted, "Now leave me the hell alone!" He went in his room and locked the door. Duo was left alone in the hall with a blank look on his face. What had he done? He was just trying to help him.

Trowa, after pulling on some boxers, threw himself on the bed to take a nap. 

An hour later, Duo was busy in the kitchen, about to cook the pilots dinner. Usually Trowa would cook when he came back from the circus, but because he was so depressed, Duo took the job. Heero was standing by with a fire extinguisher. Duo had been known to start little fires when cooking (There was a huge black spot directly above the stove) He placed a pan on the burner, which was already heated. He carefully took the slab of meat and gently placed it in the pan. No sooner than when he put it down, the meat somehow caught on fire.

"Oh Shit!" Duo yelled, Heero was all ready with the fire extinguisher.

Trowa's eyes suddenly shot open. He had been woken up from a peaceful sleep by some vulgar language coming from the kitchen. He sighed. He knew it had to be Duo. _'Why do they continue to let him near a stove?'_ he asked himself. He turned over on his back and stared at the ceiling. _'So much for a good sleep.'_ He thought sadly.

Just then the door opened and Wufei walked in.

"Sorry to bother you, Trowa, but Duo almost set the kitchen on fire again-"

"Did not!" a voice yelled from down the hall.

"ahem" he cleared his throat. "Anyway, as I was saying, because of Maxwell, we're ordering pizza. Do you want anything?"

"No, I'm not hungry." he turned his back to Wufei.

The young Chinese pilot began to feel a little sorry for him. "Alright. We'll save you some." he walked out of the room, closing the door behind him.

Wufei joined the other two in the living room. He sat down and opened his book.

"Did you order the pizza?" he asked.

"Yeah, but it's gonna take an hour or more." Heero said

Duo stared at Wufei waiting for him to tell them if Trowa was coming out anytime soon.

"Well?"

Wufei looked at him. "Well what?"

"Where's Trowa?"

"He said he's not hungry."

"What the hell is his problem?" Duo asked.

"He's depressed. Let him be by himself. He'll be back to his old self soon." Heero said, working on his laptop.

"Quatre has been gone a month. I know it takes a long time to get over someone whose died, but damn, he hasn't done anything other than lay around the house and get annoyed at everyone around him. He gets home and he's seems especially annoyed with me." Duo said, getting very frustrated.

"You annoy everyone." Wufei contributed. "Besides, he and Quatre were close. He was closer to Quatre than anyone of us were. It's going to be a longer, rougher road for him. Leave him a lone for a while."

"Hey! We all cared about Quatre. How can you-"

"Yeah, but they were...involved."

"I don't care. Someone has to snap him out of this. Why don't I call Catherine and let her know he's here. Then ask her to come and talk to him. They have some sort of brother-sister relationship going on."

"Humph. Don't you think _she'll_ make it worse?" Wufei asked with a sneer.

"No. I'm gonna call her." and he picked up the receiver.

***

By this time, the sun had long set, and a full moon suspended in the star-filled sky. Trowa stared at it through the window from his bed. Thoughts began filling his mind.

-FLASHBACK-

"Oh Trowa, isn't the moon beautiful?" Quatre asked from his spot at the bedroom window. Trowa looked at it then at Quatre, whose sea-blue eyes seemed to be the size of the moon. He leaned down and kissed him passionately. Quatre didn't resist, instead wrapped his arms around Trowa. 

"Wait, Quatre." He pulled Quatre's arms from his neck. "I don't feel like doing anything right now. Let's just go to bed, okay?"

"Alright." He kissed him one more time, then made his way to the bed. Trowa almost sighed in relief. There was something he had to do, and it wouldn't look right if they had made love. He scared to tell Quatre what he had to tell him, but Trowa knew he had to. 

__

'I don't have any idea how I'm going to get any sleep tonight.' he thought. He crawled into bed and after a few minutes did happen to fall asleep.

The next morning, Trowa awoke earlier than usual and began to dress. He looked over at Quatre who was sleeping peacefully. He suddenly remembered what he had to do. But Quatre looked so angelic sleeping there. How could he possibly break an angel's heart? This was something he had to do however. He had to break up with Quatre. They couldn't let emotions get in the way on the battlefield. Well, at leat Trowa thought he couldn't. He had to break the whole thing off with Quatre. Sure, deep down, he did have feelings for Quatre (and the sex was great) but the whole thing had to stop. Now, how to tell him?

__

'The only way to do this is to say it straight out.' Trowa thought.

Quatre began to stir.

__

'Damn. Should I tell him when he wakes? No! That would be too cruel, or would it?'

Quatre set up and rubbed his eyes.

__

'Oh God, should I tell him now?' he sighed_ 'Yes. I have to tell him now. This is going to be hard enough. Might as well get it over and done with.'_

"Good morning Trowa!" Quatre yawned, got out of bed and stretched.

"Morning Quatre" Trowa mumbled. 

Quatre noticed that he sounded a little strange.

"Trowa, is everything okay?"

"Quatre, we need to talk."

He looked a little surprised. "Hmmm? Okay, can I get dressed first?"

"Whatever."

After a while, Quatre was ready. "What did you want to talk about?"

"Uhhh..." he began to stall. "What do you say we go in the garden and talk? I think it would be easier to say what I have to say out there."

Quatre looked a little worried, but nevertheless followed Trowa down the hall, down the huge staircase and out the large double doors of Quatre's estate. They walked a little way in the garden, but Trowa remained Silent. 

__

'What is going to say to me? I wish he would hurry up and say it.' Quatre thought.

"Trowa, what did you want to tell me?"

Trowa turned and faced him. "Quatre, this isn't going to be easy. I want to talk about us. I truly believe our relationship isn't right. We shouldn't show this kind of emotion towards each other. It's not right."

"W-what are you saying, Trowa?" Quatre asked, his bottom lip quivering.

"I'm sorry, but basically I want to break...off...our...relationship."

Quatre's eyes became two huge, blue green orbs. "But why? I love you. I thought you felt the same."

__

'God, I do, my angel. But this isn't right. Please Little One, don't make this any harder than it already is. I'm going to have to tell the hardest lie I've ever told. Please forgive me.'

He looked Quatre straight in the eyes, and with all the courage he could muster, said, "Well, I don't feel the same. I'm sorry." And with that, ran back to the house, leaving a stunned and hurt Quatre alone.

***

Present

Trowa continued to stare outside at the moon. 

__

'I know how much I hurt him. Why did I lie to him? Why couldn't our relationship just continue? Why was I so stupid? Then of course I go in the house and Heero announced that horrible mission. The same one that would take my angel from me.'

"ANGELS DON'T DIE!" he yelled.

* * *

***

End of Part 1

Comments? Criticism? I wanna know what you think! ~Star Kindler


	2. Part Two

Lessons Learned

Part 2

by Star Kindler

Disclaimer: Don't own GW, never have and never will.

Warning: Yaoi!

Author's notes: I wrote this fic a while back and posted it. Honestly, this is my favorite fic I've written, and I just had to add more to it. I wanted to go into a little more detail in the second part. So please enjoy and review!

***

Flashback-

Trowa walked down the long hallway, ready to go move his things out of Quatre's room. Of course he felt terrible, but this was how it had to be. Quatre would get over it and so would he; at least he hoped so. 

"Trowa." He heard a harsh voice call out to him. The banged boy peered into the living to see Heero typing away on his laptop.

"Yea, Heero?"

"Mission- you, Duo and Quatre."

"ARGH! Are you serious?" The last thing he wanted was to confront the blond boy right now. Heero looked up at him intensely and that was all the answer he needed.

"Fine. I'll tell the others." He went to look for Quatre and Duo. That wasn't an easy task, Quatre's house was so damn big. But, he eventually found them in the kitchen sitting at the table. Duo was staring at Quatre with a confused showing in his violet eyes. Quatre glared at the tabletop with diamond tears falling from his eyes. Trowa felt the aching tug of guilt on his heart. Not letting it show, he calmly said, 

"Um...we have a mission...the three of us." Quatre looked up at him sorrowfully and buried his face in his hands.

"I don't wanna go." He mumbled.

"Trowa, what the hell did you do?" Duo asked angrily. "I come in here to get a bite to eat, and Quatre is bawling his eyes out. It obviously had to been from some stupid thing you did."

The boy sighed nervously. He certainly didn't want to hear it from Duo. "Look, are you coming? Or do I have to tell Heero that you refuse to except it?"

"No! We're coming, aren't we Quatre?"

"I don't know…" The Arabian muttered.

"I don't know what happened, but if it's because if him," Duo shot Trowa a glance, "then you don't even have to be near him." Duo said, tugging on his friend's sleeve.

Quatre nodded and stood. The two walked across the room, past Trowa. As Duo crossed the silent boy, he muttered,

"Pretty sad you made him cry…"

Trowa sighed and followed the pair out of the kitchen.

***

The battle had been tough. The enemy put up quite a fight. It was almost unreal. They seemed to go for Sandrock more than the others, and Quatre was having a lot of trouble. Duo who was fighting off four Taurus' finally said,

"Trowa! You better go help Quatre. He's having a tough time over there."

Trowa looked over and saw a bunch of suits attacking Sandrock. They seemed to have the upper hand. 

__

'Hm.' He wondered. _'Why is Quatre allowing them to attack him like that? What if it's because of what I said? Oh please Quatre! Gain focus!' _

"Quatre? Are you alright?"

No response.

"Quatre?!? Oh, please answer me!" Trowa pleaded.

Quatre sat sobbing in his suit allowing the enemy suit to attack him. His finger hovered over the self-destruct button. 

__

'Would it make any difference if I killed myself right here, right now? Is my life even worth anything? No. Not if Trowa doesn't love me.'

"Trowa?" He heard Quatre's soft voice and instantly felt relieved.

"Quatre, is everything okay?" 

"No Trowa, nothing will _ever_ be okay. Goodbye. I love you. I always have." And his finger hit the self-destruct button. Trowa and Duo watched in horror as Sandrock exploded, taking the offending mobile suits with it. Then they saw Quatre's body fly through the air and land in a dense wooded area. And then there was silence. The battle was over and Quatre was gone. They searched the area ten times over, but found no trace of Quatre. It was as if he vanished. 

After much protesting from Trowa, Duo dragged him home and they told the others the news. The other two pilots were shocked at Quatre's actions, it wasn't like him. The Winner sisters had the whole vicinity searched thoroughly, nothing was ever found. A month later, everyone still had hope, especially Trowa. But there was nothing he could do.

***

-Present-

Rain began to fall heavily outside. Trowa watched it while in deep thought.

__

'If I hadn't broken his heart, he would still be alive. God damn, I just can't sit around here, I'm going to go insane.' He grabbed his coat, walked out of his room and snuck down the hall quietly. He saw the other guys sitting in living room, totally oblivious to the fact Trowa was about to walk out the door. Quietly, Trowa swung the door shut and walked down the road in the rain. He didn't know where he was going. Did it really matter? Thoughts of Quatre ran through his brain. He walked out to the middle of the road, the thick sheet of rain blinding him. He didn't notice the headlights just ahead of him until it was too late. The car hit him and threw him to the other side. He hit the ground with a sickening thud. The last thing he heard was a woman scream and a figure running toward him, then he blacked out.

***

"Trowa?" Quatre walked toward him.

"Quatre! You're all right! You're alive!" He ran over toward his love and embraced him. But the body he held faded. Trowa looked around, perplexed.

"Quatre? Where are you? Quatre! Please come back!"

"Trowa? A gentle worried voice called to him. He felt himself being shaken. He awoke to Catherine and his friends watching him. He sat up and looked around, but not before a stabbing pain jolted through his head.

"Damn, my head. Where am I? What happened?"

Catherine took his hand.

"You're in the hospital. I was on my way to your house, when you came out of no where and I...I…hit you. I'm sorry." Tears filled her eyes.

Trowa squeezed her hand. 

"Hey, Tro, what were you doing out there anyway?" Duo asked

"Just walking and thinking, I guess. God, I don't know."

"You were lucky. You just suffered some minor contusions and bruised ribs." Wufei said.

"Lucky?! You say I'm lucky?" Trowa looked at the four around him angrily. "How can I be lucky? I should have died. I don't deserve to live."

"Trowa, don't say that!" Catherine yelled back.

Heero stepped by the hospital bed. "You're being stupid. Quatre's death wasn't your fault. No one is blaming you."

"I'm blaming me. It was my fault."

"Heero's right Trowa." 

Trowa sighed and sat back in bed. There was no use to argue. He looked across the room and noticed a curtain pulled around another patient. Then he heard a gasp and the five watched as nurse ran out from behind it, pulling it open.

"Doctor! He's awakened!"

A doctor ran in along with a handful of nurses trailing behind them. Trowa and the others couldn't see the patient, but watched silently, until Duo tapped a nurse on the shoulder.

"I don't mean to be nosy, but what's going on?"

The nurse looked at him and replied, "This boy has been in a coma for about a month. We don't know who he is, someone found him unconscious and brought him in." She turned her attention back to the other patient.

"Son, how are you feeling?" They heard the doctor ask.

At first there was just total silence, then a very weak voice responded.

"Where am I?"

Trowa sat up. That voice, it was so familiar. Could it be? He had to find out. He pulled himself out of bed, despite the other's protesting. He winced at the pain shooting though his body, but made his way to the other side of the room. He pushed past the nurses and his mouth dropped open at the sight. Quatre lay in the hospital bed. The small blonde saw Trowa and looked at him with a confused glint in his sea-green orbs. Trowa's eyes filled with tears and he moved to Quatre's side. The medical staff watched in wonder. 

Trowa grasped Quatre's hand. Then everyone else in the room faded; it was just Quatre and Trowa. 

With a fears tears escaping his eyes, he whispered, "Quatre... I can't believe it...you're alive."

Quatre looked a little confused. Then it dawned him. All the events that happened came back to him. 

"Trowa-"

"Quatre please. Please forgive me. I thought I lost you. I don't know what I was thinking. Those things I said- I was wrong. I swear I'm never letting you go again. I will not lose you." Tears ran freely down his face and Quatre wiped away a few.

"I do forgive you, Trowa. Does this mean you still love me?"

"I never stopped loving you, my angel. My Quatre." He bent down and kissed his blond love sweetly on the lips.

~End~

***

Comments? Criticism? I wanna know what you think! ~Star Kindler


End file.
